


I Can't See Your Star

by sinfuldesire_archivist



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Drama, F/M, First Time, Pre-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-10-11
Updated: 2006-10-11
Packaged: 2018-09-03 06:28:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,800
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8701057
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sinfuldesire_archivist/pseuds/sinfuldesire_archivist
Summary: Sam wonders about the past and what the future holds.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Note from the Sinful Desire archivists: this story was originally archived at [Sinful-Desire.org](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Sinful_Desire). To preserve the archive, we began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in November 2016. We e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact us using the e-mail address on [Sinful Desire collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/sinfuldesire/profile).

  
Author's notes: The title is a line from Evanescenceâ€™s song Your Star. As always, thanks go out to my friend, Creed, who so graciously and ungraciously pimped this fandom out to me. Love ya lots, Sunshine! *blows kisses*  
  


* * *

Its nights like these that I hate the most. When the glow from the surrounding campus blocks out the night time sky that I am so used to seeing, I feel as if I’ve gone and fallen off the face of the earth. God, those stars. You used to point them out to me when I was little, telling me the names of constellations and what they all represented because they were based in mythology and in our business, mythology is as good as any urban legend. You had to know them all in case you ever needed to use that myth against something that went bump in the night.

You remember that time when we were in Maine? Dad had left to go after some bad scary thing and we sat outside of that little cabin on the picnic table for a bit, surrounded by a circle of salt…you listened to Dad so well even back then, Dean…and my head was in your lap and there was this one bright star all by itself in the early evening twilight. I pointed at it and yet you couldn’t seem to make out where I was looking. So, you pulled me up into your lap and stretched your arm out along mine and made me point again so that you could see it, too. I remember telling you that it looked really lonely all out there by itself and then you were ruffling my hair. _“That’s mom’s star, Sammy. She’s all by herself waiting for us. Then when we finally get to her, there will be three more stars around her…we’ll make a Winchester constellation in the sky.”_

I was five years old and I couldn’t remember her at all. You told me all kinds of stories about her, but I just couldn’t remember. Then after you tucked me in, you’d go over and cry a bit in front of the television. You remembered her and I couldn’t. I think that’s the main reason I cried so much. I hated you for remembering things I didn’t get a chance to know myself. Then I loved you even more for letting yourself feel those things and pass them onto me.

But tonight, I can’t see it. Dean, I can’t see that star and it worries me. Because that star stopped being Mom’s star so long ago. That star is yours. And you’re out there on your own without me and I think I made a big mistake coming here to do this on my own. I’ll never tell you that, never let you know that I’m weaker than you want me to be.

You were so angry with me when I told you I was leaving. For once in your life you didn’t throw up any walls to hide what you felt. We screamed and yelled for hours after Dad had left from our own fight. I can still remember some of those words the ‘after all I’ve done for you’ and the ‘ungrateful spoiled brat’ and finally the ‘what about me, Sammy, huh?’ And that…that last admission, **that** was almost my undoing. What about **you** , Dean? What about you? 

You were my whole freakin’ world, man. You were there all the times Dad couldn’t be. You took care of me, raised me, protected me. How could you not see what was right in front of your face? I had one serious case of idol worship for you. You’re my brother and I loved you, was **in** love with you, and weren’t we fucked up enough already without suddenly throwing that into the mix along with demons and spirits, and ‘we’re hunters’ and a mother who died suspended over her infant son’s crib, pinned to the ceiling, cut open and bleeding before bursting into flames?

And I wanted to yell this all back in your face and I couldn’t because there was pain in your eyes and murder and something I suddenly didn’t want to put a name to at all. Tears, Christ, actual tears on your cheeks and in your eyes because I was leaving, because I **had** to leave before everything inside of me died. Because what did dreams and ambitions really matter if I could get you to love me the same way I loved you?

The kiss almost killed me. Your lips and your tongue hot against my own and your hands _clutching-scratching-_ _ **screaming**_ _‘mine’!_ And when you stopped to grab a breath of air my name was like a prayer on your lips before you started devouring me again.

You were never good with words, Dean. I knew deep down this was your way of telling me you didn’t want me to go. Your hot desperate kisses were pleas of _‘stay’_ , the bites along my neck coupled with a soothing swipe of tongue were _‘don’t leave me’_ , your erection bare and throbbing and sliding so terribly sweet next to mine as you panted wordlessly in my ear was your _‘I love you._ ’ And when I came I saw every star in heaven and they all looked like yours, bright and so there… so lonely. You kept me pinned against the door, your forehead resting against mine and there were no sweet kisses, no afterglow, no words of endearment because you don’t do chick flick moments. Did you ever think that maybe just once, just that **once** , maybe letting me hear you say something might have kept me there?

It wouldn’t have. I can’t lie to myself. I’m stubborn and temperamental and I had to leave you behind to prove that I could stand on my own… without you. 

You wouldn’t look at me as I left. Couldn’t speak one simple word, but I heard you after I shut that motel door. I wonder sometimes how much damage you did in there that night. From the sound of it, the owner should be lucky to have the building still standing.

I try not to count the endless amounts of days that have gone by since that night I trekked two miles to the nearest bus stop. I just know it’s been a long time. Did you know your star led me to that bus stop outside that little Podunk town? It watched me and I watched it with every step I took, every step taking me farther away from you. I’ve watched your star every night since, every night it was clear enough. It’s fitting that I can’t see it from my own dorm room. I have to go half way across the campus to where it’s silent and dark to see it. But I go every night.

Those first few weeks I ran on sheer determination. I was going to do this. I couldn’t… wouldn’t go slinking back. I fell into routine, didn’t give myself a lot of time to think, threw myself into my studies. The nights were the hardest, alone and wishing for one more chance to feel you like I did that last night. All that tightly held control gone and the real you bursting at the seams.

Jess helped me a lot since then. I wonder what you’d think of her, how you’d react. Do you even think of me anymore? Was that just a last ditch effort to keep me from leaving you behind?

It almost worked. Almost. You don’t know how close you came to winning.

She’s definitely nothing like you. I don’t know if maybe that’s part of the attraction. I know I love her. I know she comes close to filling up the emptiness inside me, gives me some sense of normalcy. I know it sounds a bit harsh when I think like that, but she can’t fill that void completely for me. She’ll never be able to fill that one small space I keep open for you. I can’t love you the way I love her, or vice versa. And there are times I can’t completely lose myself in her. God knows I try, but as I make love to her, your name’s there on the tip of my tongue. Your name being chanted in an endless litany in my mind. I crave to have you rough and wild, hard planes and sharp angles beneath me.

And then there are the dreams. The dreams are beginning to really get to me. It’s like I’ being forced to chose between the two of you. Both of you, sitting in some 1950’s sunny happy kitchen, smiling back at me from opposite ends of the table. I choose Jess and I get that same look I had to endure the night I left you behind. I chose her and as I turn my back on you the sounds of you destroying everything around you is in my ears, just like the night I left you behind. I choose Jess and she fades with a sigh and it’s like being plunged right back into some strange abnormal fantasy.

Then, a few nights ago, I chose you in the dream. There was no fading sigh from her this time. Instead, she’s on the ceiling, like Mom… like you told me and like Dad had mentioned once in the past when he was drunk and hurting… and she’s bleeding and bursting into flames.

And now, every night, I chose you and it’s the same thing: Jess staring down at me and blood and flames and my own voice screaming. I want the dreams to stop. I’m getting them, three and four times a night and I’m starting to fight sleep off every chance I get. My whole normal life is falling apart around me. I should have known it couldn’t last forever, not for a Winchester. I don’t want to choose you and yet I know if the choice ever presented itself I wouldn’t hesitate. I’d choose you and…

I am so scared. I’ve been edgy what feels like forever now. I wish you’d call me, contact me, anything. I’m losing my mind. Something happened or something is going to happen. Some storm is coming. I can feel it in the air like static against my skin. I stand out here and stare up into the sky, clear and bright. I’m still scared and it’s a maddening, hurtful, shaky spiral in its decent because…

When I look it’s not there. It’s just not…

God, Dean, what does it mean when I look up and for the life of me I can’t see your star? 

Oh God, I can’t see your star.


End file.
